For about three months I have been plagued with dreams that wake me up to pure sadness. I’m completely aware of the external forces that are impacting my subconscious to behave in a way that is both exhausting and infuriating…but last night, it did something amazing.
Not amazing in an exceptionally new and exciting way but it gave me the most vivid goodbye.
I’m attempting vagueness here because these dreams teeter on the line of being mistaken for dramatics that a female is often accused of when emotional change occurs. But, this dream laid to rest so many of the nightmares I’ve had.
Here is a brief overview; I’ve had these dreams about being left alone, about being lost, about being treated with disregard, and one where I woke up feeling so vibrantly a presence bedside me…that presence wasn’t even there when it was lying beside me in real life. All of these sleepless nights added to a level of uneasy that was only amplified when those dreams were proven to be pretty close to real.
I give credit where credit is due…and I’ve had a beautiful weekend, spent with people who love me…so I fell asleep with an easy state of mind, with much closure, and in knowing fully that I am worthy of love, of all kinds. So I attribute this dream in part to that.
Waking up I took a deep breath and stayed in those images that inspired me to write poetry for the first time in about three years…and washed me from the burdens I carried from loving and loosing.
"I walked out, kissing the heads of all the hearts you’ve broken along the way.
The aisle was long, steep, public, but this time I was leaving.
Gathered my tiny bits that made me courageous. Coat, purse, and a sip of water before passing you standing proudly by the door.
Weeks and months these dreams have left me peace less, your lies began flooding with the echoing dismissal,
They are just dreams…just dreams
Now singularly strengthened in subconscious ease
Those seats will continue to fill as you find yourself but I will not stay.
The sinking has stopped.”
It is rough but I am happy to have found my inspiration where once destruction prevailed, funny how that seems to be the way of dreams.
The disaster of human beings is that they feel. The miracle of human beings is that they feel.
Some of us feel more, some feel just enough, and some don’t feel as much…this is something that was recently said to me as I was feeling nearly every emotion on the spectrum. I do not accept this concept because it is untrue…we all feel, some of us just don’t want to or have taught ourselves to shut down instead of facing those emotions.
It is okay to be sad, crushed…sobbing and to feel like the world is ending. It is okay to be angry, to rage and to think you hate everything. It is okay to be lost and to be terrified that all of your decisions are going to make you miserable forever.
And it is also okay to laugh, smile and be excited about little things, big things, silly things, and simple things. It is okay to be so happy that your eyes fill with tears. It is okay to trust completely even if you’ve been hurt. It is okay to love others so fully that your skin is on fire and your body barely holds you.
Feeling is okay…it is normal, it is human. It is honest and it is true.
What is NOT ever ever ever okay is to block things out, bury them, bottle them up.
I’m not saying that anyone should go about their day expressing everything they feel…Anarchy would ensue and it would be an even more terrifying world. But it is equally awful on an individual level and a global way to think that people do not spend time with their emotions.
It is often easy to ignore how we feel and go about our lives. In doing that we rob ourselves of understanding and being with ourselves. Feeling everything on the emotional spectrum gives opportunity to reflect and to process…
Why do I feel this way? Have I felt this before?
Is this an accurate feeling? Do I deserve to feel this way?
How can I change this feeling or this situation?
What am I giving up to feel like this?
Does it really matter how I feel at this moment in the long run?
Did I do anything to cause myself to feel like this?
There are many questions that connect with each shade of emotion. And so many situations create sooooo many emotions. There is no way to figure any of this out except to sit with your feelings, get to know them…hate them, love them, forgive them for hurting you, and feel something else.
Another thing said to me recently as I was feeling all of my feelings…you’re allowed to feel, and cry, and mope but you’re not allowed to give up.
No…we are not allowed to give up. Surviving is not living. Growth is moving forward and it is a challenge best met with eyes wide open.
Plans fail. And when the basket holding all your eggs breaks there is either going to be a delicious omelet or a disastrous mess. I chose to not have that gloppy ooze sticking to my surfaces but something that will fulfill me in the most healthy way. I chose to no longer plan but to do.
So…for a woman who tends to over analyze to the point of anxiety/ panic attacks this jumping in and acceptance…this peace, is a very new and exciting adventure. Being submerged in water, regardless of temperature is one of the most calming places for me personally. Now to apply that to every day life, submerging myself for myself…learning, growing, accepting, celebrating the life and lessons all human beings have.
Day by day, and often inconsistently my successes, failures, thoughts, feelings, perspectives, and love of this world will be broadcast with words. Words have so much power and mine need their voice back.
Unscripted, uncensored…jumping in.